unprescribed love

you asked me - why are you not the same? and why have you changed?

i avoided to tell what i'd done and what i'd become,
for when i thought why i was changed, it’d make me scream at you thousand times in my head
and after screaming, i'd collapse like a feeble child and ask you - why?

you never knew why I'd always laugh. i was so afraid of traumas that a laugh would keep me sane and away from pain.

but you, selfish-bitch, scraped my wound ’til it started bleeding.

i bled.

well
when i kissed you, it reminded you of him.
and you cringed at my lust!

i know - i wasn't the one you had dreamt of,
but trust me, I was tryin’ to be

i opened up to you to show you my inside. we travelled deep under the ocean and tried hard to be lost, but you always had an eye on the trails. you and your ulterior motives - how much you knew one another - i don’t know.

i think - i never completed you
i was merely an escape for you, a secret passage to a place named imagination
i was a kite, but you looked for a threaded one which could be in your hand, not mine.
you never realised - i was cut and unconstrained; i had wind to play and the sky to dwell.

since the day we estranged one another, regrettably, i deluded many.
i turned false and corrupted everyone who came along.
i drank the guilt with the sweetness of crimes.

believe me, there’s not a single fuckin’ day when i didn’t curse myself for the sins I’d committed.
sometimes i found myself so closed to the edge and thought that a fall was my only saviour.
the small home we made of woods and stones, has been burnt into ashes now, and I’m floating above its smoke.
The kids – I buried them under the ground a long time ago, and they haunt me now.

i hope, with these words, i’d set you free and wish you’d do the same.
and we shall carry our pain.

redhya resting on a snow-covered rock

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