some old friends

lying in bed,
a dead stare at the ceiling of a cold room
is a gateway to a thousand thoughts.
somewhere inside my head,
i visualise some long gone moments
being played all over again –
a few long-standing friends on a riverside
splashing frigid water over each other
whilst sipping cheap liquor.

now –
at a summer wedding,
the old friends are standing close to me - unable to comprehend
i’m not with them.
the closeness is missing - do i not know them?

we’d divulge our secrets and fears,
now we get surprises by posts and others.
i’m not disappointed
we went separate ways.
though, it seems a little blue,
for it happened so soon.

sigh!
we could’ve stayed longer and soaked in the moments
in order to rewind and pause them wherever needed.

we talked less,
but when we did,
we turned yellow.
now the laughter is lost somewhere
the culprit is that bastard time.

some claim to find their soul-mates,
a couple others curse love
and hit the bottle everyday.
a few work tirelessly to be big,
and others can’t decide what to do next.
two-three stuck around and built startups.
some are unhappy
since with each passing year
they’re losing hair;
some are getting fatter;
some have transformed impressively.
whereas, i still look for a purpose
that can define my life.

sometimes i feel lost,
but how i can forget
someday i’m to meet death –
life ceases to exist within me
and the matter rests.
so please let me live until then
and don’t just let me BE.

i
still ride the same scooter i got in the second year,
still race with the winds,
still dislike my father for being arrogant,
still make jokes but can’t find the same old laugh on new smiling faces,
still remember the incident when we stole packs of cigarettes,
still hate being stuck in the same old place,
but i get nervous when a girl gazes at me like the way she’d look.
ah! i still wait for one last reunion.

i fail to notice wrinkles on our faces.
now there’s less complaining and more ignoring.
we’re so stressed
we’re shrinking.
soon we’ll vanish.

let’s free each other from these heavy mental chains
that are supposed to hold us together.

i free you –

free you from the guilt you feel
when you forget to call when you’re supposed to,
free you from the sadness
that distorts your face
when you forget to wish me on my birthday,
free you from the feeling
you get when you come to know about my situation from others,
free you, so you can be free.

i can’t hold you anymore
and honestly i don’t want to
as i myself was in THAT place –
where i walked without you,
where i callously looked at the phone and didn’t answer your call,
where i promised to be there but never found that damning THERE or never wanted to,
where i told countless lies to be alone,
where i said things i didn’t mean,
where i simply crossed my arms
and helplessly saw you collapse.

i always found “friends forever” a lie.
but today i don’t know why my inside screams -
“stay my friends – just stay for a while”

***

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